People Pleasing-Are you a People Pleaser? And How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Hello: everyone Today I have a very special guest Dr. Carly Lebaron, and she is a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in helping well all types of clients but specializes in helping people who experience perfectionism and people pleasing.

. Thank you so much for joining me. Today. ( Carly ) - I'm, so happy to be here thanks for having me. ( Emma ) Yeah, I'm, really excited to uh, learn from you and to share like from your enormous depths of knowledge, about people pleasing today, so That's.

What we're going to talk about is people pleasing., (, Carly ). It's like one of my favorite topics. ( Emma ), Yes, good good and to everyone. If you liked this content, Carly has been working on this incredible course.

It's called Overcoming Perfectionism and People Pleasing Shattering the Porcelain and Becoming the Real You. Now Carly. What are some of the things that people can expect to learn in this course? ( Carly ), I mean everything that we have talked about today is going to be in the course, and then we're going to layer on top of it, people who struggle with perfectionism too, because I often find that perfectionism and people pleasing are Sisters, and so I'm, going to see that a lot in the people that I treat and so helping them recognize perfectionistic patterns and how to change those and just learning to get away from those old patterns and become more authentic in themselves.

And in their relationships - and I'm - a real big fan of like specific skills and specific techniques to use, because if I don & # 39, t give my clients something to go home to practice. They feel really lost.

And so I do a lot of that in the course where it's here's, something that you can do this week here's, something I want you to pay attention to here's, a worksheet That I want you to fill out because it's in those moments where you're actually experiencing that change and thinking about it and working on it that you have real long-term change.

( Emma ) Yeah. I love that about your course. So this course has over four hours of video and then it's got a workbook full of practical exercises. You can work on it's, got a quiz to figure out like what type of people pleaser you are and it walks you through like letting go of your mask and becoming more real, more authentic.

So I mean this course is really action-packed and if you guys want to learn more about it, the link is in the description, and so you can go check it. Out. ( Emma ) Yeah so, and I feel like this topic - is really helpful right now, because the holidays are coming.

( Carly ) Yes. ( Emma ), some like slightly more complicated family dynamics, maybe ( Carly ), Yes, always. ( Emma ) and it's, maybe even a little. It may be less complicated for some people because of covid and maybe more complicated for us ( Carly ), That's.

What I was thinking I was like well, if you're kind of staying away from each other for the holidays. This might be a nice little reprieve so that you can practice for next year. Hopefully, when things are a little bit more normal.

( Emma ) Yeah yeah, like we could just like step back and like think ourselves out a little bit: huh. ( Carly ) For sure. ( Emma ) - And you know I speak this from. Like my own personal experience, like I'm constantly trying to figure out like how do I work with my family, ( Carly ) for real yeah, like how do you very gently, take care of all of that boundary setting and like making sure that You're, getting your needs met without alienating people, especially if they're not used to being that way or if they & # 39.

Re not used to you being that way. It's, a really tough transition. (. Emma ) Yeah, yeah and just relationships they're. Just I don't know they're complicated and ( Carly ) Always. ( Emma ) Yeah, pretty much so well.

Let's. Talk about people pleasing.! How do you know how do you know if you have a people pleasing problem? How do you know if you're like a people, pleaser (, Carly ), That's, a really good question.? I have some people that, especially in like the culture that I work in here in Utah there's, a lot of kind of like that expectation that you're, always supposed to be like really happy and like doing service for everybody And never feeling resentful and it's very much like stay upbeat like positive vibes.

Only and so people think that that's kind of the norm like & # 39, I'm supposed to be this way'and & # 39. If I'm, not that way that I'm selfish & # 39, and so I have to work with a lot of my clients at first to kind of convince them that they're people pleasers.

Because for a lot of them, this is something they've been doing their entire lives, and so it's just so normal to them, but we always start with talking about okay like, but how does trying to do all of these Things for everybody else get in the way of like you taking care of you.

Are you like breaking promises to other people at the drop of the hat, to make somebody else happy? Do you feel like you're bending over backwards? Are you developing resentment in your relationships, Because that's, a really big sign that you're, like stuck in some people, pleasing patterns.

, A lot of like oh, my gosh, like most of my clients, will come in and tell me & # 39, I feel so overwhelmed by the amount of things that I have on my plate'& # 39. I'm just so tired. All the time'& # 39.

I'm, so stressed all the time'& # 39. I'm, so exhausted all the time'and it's because they're, trying to do too much and they're trying to do too much for too many people.. They're, trying to be everything for everyone, and it just becomes so exhausting, and a lot of that stems from like & # 39.

I feel like I have to be something'right & # 39. I have to be doing all of these things to make people happy for them to like me or love me & # 39, So another one of those signs is, if you feel like people are only going to love you, if you do things for them, if You act in a certain way or agree to everything that they say if you feel like you have to change, who you are to get acceptance.

( Emma ), Like love, is conditional upon me performing in the perfect way, and I'm, not going To be loved, which I mean really, it leaves people feeling really insecure. If you have that people-pleasing mindset.

(, Carly, ) Yeah, and it keeps you on a tightrope.. I think that's, the imagery that I find the most with people who struggle with people pleasing is that & # 39. Everything that I do has to be so finely calibrated and so finely tuned that & # 39.

If I make somebody happy like the relationship is done'or unhappy, that was totally backwards. & # 39. If I make somebody unhappy'( Emma ), I knew what you were: saying. (, Carly ) & # 39. If I say & quot no & quot, if I say & quot, no & quot, then like that's, the destruction of a relationship & # 39, and so it's.

Just this constant rigidity, I always think about it like when you like, strum, a guitar string like it's, so tightly strung that it just vibrates, and I think that's. The emotional feeling that a lot of my people pleasers have is that there's, just this constant, anxious vibration of worry that & # 39.

If I'm, not on point all the time I'm done, I'm done'( Emma ) Yeah. Are there different types of people pleasers? Are there different, like you know, ( Carly, ) Totally, so I started noticing that I had different almost like manifestations of people, pleasers that were coming into my office at work, and I had the first group of people.

Pleasers is what I call the peppy people pleaser, because they're like really happy and excited & # 39. Oh no! It's no trouble, and I'm so happy to do this thing'even if they're, not necessarily super happy to be doing that thing, so it presents as really excited and so happy to do.

This and then I have what I call the pouty people pleasers, which is more like it's very, like resentful, like & # 39, I'm, still going to do everything that I feel like other people want me to do, but I'm, not going to be happy about it.

'& # 39. I'd, be like okay yeah. I'lll. Do the thing & # 39, but then behind the scenes I'm, like grumpy old men like ( grumble sounds ). You know. ( Emma ), Just a lot of muttering in the background. Yeah ( Carly ) 100 %, and then I have kind of the people that are in between that that I call the perplexed people pleasers and that's.

Where you kind of like vacillate back and forth between being really happy to help and being really resentful that you're being asked over and over and over to do these things or bending over backwards.

( Emma ), When I think about people pleasing As and it isn't, it's, not sustainable. It just wears you down, but there's, a reason there's, a reason people do it right: ( Carly ), Oh for sure. ( Emma ), like some benefits in the short term, right, (, Carly, ) Totally for sure, and I Think one of the biggest things there is that it's, a protective mechanism and that's, not something we really think about.

When we're people pleasing, we think we're like really utopian, and we're doing it because it's. Good and right - and you know we're, putting good things into the world and we might be, but in reality it really comes down to & # 39.

I'm, worried that who I am at the core of myself. Isn't going to be good enough & # 39, and so I have to try to meet other people's. Expectations of me for them to like me to avoid rejection to just feel good about who I am and the relationships that I have with other people.

( Emma ). So what it comes down to you're saying is like people. Pleasing is really about a deep core fear of just not being good enough and putting icing on top of that. That's like & # 39. But if I look nice then I don't have to think about it'( Carly, ) Yeah, and that's.

Why? I use the the analogy of a mask that you're, the real you underneath? Whatever face that you put on, but people pleasing as a face that gives you like enough of a separation between who you are in reality and the interactions that you're having with other people that you feel a little bit safer operating under that People-Pleasing version than under the real, authentic, vulnerable version that might sometimes want to say & quot, no & quot or disagree, and that feels uncomfortable.

If you don & # 39, t have a lot of experience with it. ( Emma ) Yeah yeah, so like switching from people. Pleasing to something else is gonna be a little bit more uncomfortable in the short term, but maybe more sustainable.

In the long run. You'll, have more authentic relationships, right, (, Carly, ), Yes, and there's. So many benefits to that. So many benefits to shifting, over from a people-pleasing perspective, to doing something that feels more authentic because you're, not going to wear yourself out.

( Emma ) Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. It still still can be kind of hard to do.. ( Carly ), Oh my gosh. It's so hard. I've, been trying to do this myself for like a solid 10 years, and there's still times where I'm, like'okay.

Carly, you have to pull it back a little bit because that's, not the real you'like just check in do some self-soothing and speak authentically from your experience, because it feels so safe there. You know, so it feels so safe.

Hiding behind the mask, because I don't have to risk if somebody disapproves of me or rejects me that it's. The real me that they're, rejecting that it's. Just that nice little mask that I've, put up.

( Emma ) Yeah yeah. It feels safer right, (, Carly, ) Yeah, it does. ( Emma ), So okay. So how can people pleasing be damaging to your self-esteem or to your relationships? (, Carly ). The first thing that I think of with that is with self-esteem.

It's. An evaluation of yourself, but sometimes it's, not a really good evaluation of yourself and with people pleasers you're. Never really yourself right! You're, who you think everybody else wants you to be, and so you can't really develop a healthy like foundational sense of self-esteem.

If you don & # 39, t really know who you are. If you & # 39, re constantly changing to be something else or to be someone else or saying things that you might not really believe, or that don't resonate for you.

. It's really hard, even at a level where you do know those things about yourself. But you're, almost betraying yourself by being inauthentic and agreeing when you don't, agree or keeping silent when you want to speak up, and so it's really damaging to your self-esteem long-term, because you'Re, like I said you're, betraying yourself or you're, not being authentic to yourself, and so it it just feels like'okay.

Well, I want to be this way, but I'm. Not that way, and so that's, there's, something bad about me'( Emma ), Yeah yeah. So, on one level, like you're, saying like people, aren't even sure who they are because they're, just putting so much effort, pleasing other people and then on the other level.

They maybe fear that, because they're not being authentic, maybe they fear that & # 39. If people really knew who, I really was they wouldn't like me,'( Carly ) Exactly., It's so scary to face. I think that fear that resonates with everyone.

The 12 years that I've, been a therapist. Every single client that I've ever seen. Deep down is terrified that they're, not good enough.. I think that's, no matter what I treat, whether it's, eating disorders or perfectionism, or depression or anxiety or postpartum.

. There's, so many parts of our lives that are so tied to whether or not we feel like we're good enough and so like we've talked about people. Pleasing is another one of those ways that we try to be good enough when we don & # 39.

T necessarily feel like that's, true for ourselves, and that's, going to have a huge impact on the relationships that we have with people.. I know a lot of my clients that are people pleasers struggle in their relationships because they're, not being totally honest with their partners, and so their partner loses that trust, because it's like well.

You know. Yesterday you said this thing, and today you're, saying this thing and I feel like you're kind of being wishy-washy or you're, not being honest with me, and they also feel like they kind of keep other People at arm's length right having that mask in between you and your partner makes it really difficult to ever feel truly connected or vulnerable and vulnerability is the cornerstone to those good, intimate, deep relationships that are long-lasting.

( Emma ) Yeah. So if you're people-pleasing, even if you're doing it in in your head, you're thinking & # 39. Oh, I'm. Doing this to be nice. I'm. Doing this to be sweet, but then in reality you're keeping people at arm's length and you can & # 39.

T really feel that sense of real connection or vulnerability with them right. ( Carly ), Yes, and I think that's, one of the most painful parts about being a people pleaser is that that's. What you want more than anything on the planet is to have that like deep, resonant, loving connection with friends and with family and with romantic partners and with kids, I mean, but it's almost impossible to attain that when you keep them at a Distance because you're so worried that they're, not going to like what they see underneath that mask.

( Emma ). So have you seen people shift? Have you seen people be able to let go of that mask and let go of that, like you know, people, pleasing habitual need and change their lives, ( Carly )? Yes, it's seriously, one of my favorite things to do in therapy.

I really love doing this work because I get to see people coming in from a place of like being really passive and really people pleasing and throughout our work in therapy becoming more assertive and learning how to communicate in healthier ways and to resolve conflict.

Without you know, running or hiding or becoming a doormat and feeling like people take advantage of them and going you know between months to years and becoming this person who's, empowered and self-respecting and kind to themselves and their relationships start to improve, and They feel like they have so much more capacity to operate in their world without constantly being just wrecked, with anxiety.

( Emma ) Yeah yeah, I mean like people. Pleasing is really connected to anxiety, right, (, Carly ). Yes, it's. Super connected. I think that's, one of the hardest things about people who struggle with people pleasing is that there's that constant voice in their head.

That's like & # 39. Oh, my gosh, you didn't. Do that thing that you were supposed to do'or the thing that I hear the most from my clients is like & # 39. Oh, I was talking to somebody and then I went home and I obsessed about every little word that I said for the next three hours & # 39.

I'm, like that, is such a real problem like I've done that before too, where it's like & # 39. Oh my gosh, and then I said this thing three years ago and I wonder if they still hate me & # 39. It's, just constant anxiety, and I think that's.

Why people pleasing is so unsustainable because we know that anxiety over time has a huge effect on our physical bodies on our you know, cognitions, on the way that we feel about ourselves and the world, and so it's just so hard.

. I know that's like a really profound statement, but it is just hard. ( Emma ) Yeah yeah. So how do you do it Like? How do you shift Like what are the steps to going from being like kind of almost addicted to these people, pleasing this needs for approval, or just trying to be nice Like? How do you let go of that and shift to something more real Like? Are there very practical things someone could do ( Carly ) Totally.

I think I always start with my clients and just facing some of those fears.. What are you worried about? Is gonna happen if you don't people, please anymore, Because the fears are really what holds us back from being able to just be more authentic and for a lot of my clients.

Those fears are like & # 39. That people will reject me'& # 39, that I'll, lose my relationships'& # 39, that people will figure out that I'm a fraud or that I'm disgusting, or that I'm, mean or selfish'or all of these negative things, and so we have to start by working through those fears and I work a lot with cognitive behavioral therapy.

And so we work on challenging a lot of our assumptions and some of those core beliefs and a lot of those things come from a lifetime of messages that have been sent to us, whether really explicitly or really implicitly about who we're supposed To be in order to be good enough, who we're supposed to be in order for people to approve of us or like us or love us, and so we have to break down a lot of those things.

First before we can start implementing. Some of the other skills that are based in like learning how to be assertive learning, what a boundary is and how to set a boundary learning, how to say & quot no & quot.

Without feeling like you're evil. You know. ( Emma ) Yeah, like understanding that principle right that, like saying & quot, no & quot, isn't always mean right: (, Carly, ), Yes, but saying & quot no & quot is such an important part of communication and it's such an important part of healthy relationships, because I always think of my clients that are like & # 39.

Oh, but I did the thing and I didn't want to do the thing, and so now I'm kind of mad at that person, but they don't know I'm mad because I said I wanted to do the thing and I did it anyway & # 39, and so we talk about how being able to be honest with the people in your life and say & # 39.

Hey I'm, not going to be able to accommodate that'doesn't stand the risk of absolutely blowing the relationship up unless that relationship is one that's. Based on that person, using you that most of the relationships that you want to maintain and keep in your life, they're, going to be okay.

If you say & quot no & quot, they're, going to be more understanding than you give them credit for and if, at first it's kind of hard for them to make that transition over time, they're. Going to get used to you being more assertive and embracing your ability to say & quot no & quot, because it's, a really simple boundary that can be very protective for those relationships.

( Emma ). As you say that, like I love the idea of this, I like I feel, like you just saying that is helping me think through a problem. I'm having right now, because it's like I. There is something I want to say be more real.

I'm, a little afraid that there will be this like it'll kind of blow up the relationship for a minute, ( Carly ), Yes, yes., (, Emma ), and when you say that it makes me think well, I really believe That this other person - and I both want a good relationship that this person is not like a user or an abuser.

This person is not a narcissist or anything like that like, but when you say that it makes me think you know what I think our relationship is like robust enough that we could survive yeah a little bit of'kapoof & # 39.

If I initially take that more assertive or more real stance and say like'hey when you do this, I feel this and I know it's me and I know it's. Partly you yeah like this is really how I feel.'( Carly ).

Yes, it's that weird like dance of the relationship, and this is one of the reasons that people pleasers people, please, is because they don't want conflict and for them conflict is like inherently bad right like conflict is bad, and I want to avoid it as much as possible, and I have to remind myself and my clients and lots of the other people in my life.

That conflict is an inherent and important part of human relationships.. We are inherently different from each other and that's, such a beautiful thing and being able to learn how to endure conflict together and resolve conflict together makes our relationships more rich.

It makes you feel safer in your relationships when people pleasing it's like the opposite right, like & # 39, I feel safe. If there's, not conflict & # 39, but I promise you, you're, going to feel safer.

If there is conflict, you work through it and your relationship is the same or it's better than it was before, because you guys were able to do something hard, together. (, Emma ), Yeah yeah, and that's.

I think one of the reasons why relationships are so hard right. They include this like real kind of gritty like vulnerability and discomfort. If you want a real connection, you & # 39. Ve also got to have like a little bit of conflict, because if two real people are in a room together, they're gonna have some disagreements.

, I mean it. Doesn't mean like throwing plates at each other, like not that kind of ( Carly ), No, not like yeah, not violent, conflict. ( Emma ), I'm, not advocating like to stay in a relationship ( Carly ).

No, no! No! No, no, no, no ( Emma ), not that but ( Carly ), like discomfort, and that's. The first word that I come up with when I'm working with people pleasers is we have to get you more used to being uncomfortable because it's, uncomfortable to go and say to somebody that you like, and that you value And that you want to like and value you like & # 39, hey, you said this thing and that hurt my feelings.

I need you to not say that thing anymore & # 39, and even if that's such a simple thing to say verbally, it's. So terrifying. Like I working with my clients, I'm like okay. What would it be like if you said this and their eyes get huge .

.., ( laughing ), and I'm like not today, just a thought exercise, and so it's getting used to that idea of like & # 39. I have to say something that's, going to be uncomfortable & # 39, and one of my favorite phrases that I've, taken in my journey to overcoming people.

Pleasing is to speak your truth, even if your voice shakes because it's, gonna be hard and scary, and sometimes I mean, like I said, I've, been recovering from people pleasing for 10 years and it's. Still hard and scary sometimes to stand up for myself, and so it's.

Just this, like constant struggle to improve over time until you finally feel just settled enough in yourself that you can do it. ( Emma ) Yeah, it takes some like real courage, right, (, Carly ). It does.

I think people that try to overcome people pleasing are some of the most courageous people that I know because it's, breaking a lifetime of patterns. ( Emma ). I totally agree with that, like it is it's like so like these inner battles against our fear and our discomfort to be like a little bit more real, a little bit more authentic.

It's like pretty scary, it takes a lot of work, but in the end it has some really wonderful, benefits. (, Carly ). It really does and I think that's. My favorite part of this work is getting to see the outcomes that my clients, almost like, visibly change in front of my eyes from like these, almost like, hiding in on themselves, personalities to just like, I always think of the word shine like I get to start To see my clients really shine from the inside out and embrace who they are and embrace the complexities of human relationships and empower themselves and feel so much more self-confident, and that to me is like the coolest thing on the planet.

( Emma ). I totally believe that I love that and like just listening to hear listening to you say these things has given me like a little bit more hope that, like good, that's gonna be like a really good process.

This could be a really beautiful process and help a lot of people. So I think your message is like an awesome, one. (, Carly ). Oh thank you.. I really like it, especially where, like I've personally been through this, and my life feels so much different and I feel so much more grounded in myself.

I feel like that's. The only way I can really describe it. You know it's, just that I'm a person, and I'm human, and I'm gonna make mistakes and that's. Okay and people can love me not just like, in spite of the fact that I'm human and that they can love me sometimes because of that humanness and I've, just noticed as I've gone through this Process both with my clients and by myself that the more I give myself permission to be me, the more my clients give themselves permission to be them.

The more everybody else in our lives responds and gets permission to kind of be a little bit more them. (. Emma ) is there anything else you want to share Like any other things that we missed or um any other last thoughts, ( Carly ), I would just say like advice for people who are people pleasers.

One of the best things that you can do is to develop a sense of self-compassion. It's really hard when you have that negative voice that just hangs out in your head all the time telling you what you should be and what you should do and and it's.

Usually that critical voice - and I think that saying, is true - we're, our own worst critics, and if you can develop that self-compassionate voice and that self-soothing, then it's, going to make a world of difference for you.

( Emma ) Yeah, that's. I would agree with that. I would agree with that and I think we are so often so rough on ourselves. We speak to ourselves in a way that we wouldn't speak to anyone, else. (, Carly ), Oh yeah.

, (, Emma ), and again that's like true opposite of authenticity. Right, like we're. Seeing these things to everyone else, and then we're being a jerk to ourselves like really. This is about healing our relationship with ourselves right, (, Carly ).

Yes, I think that's, so so true that it really comes down to speaking to yourself in the same kinds of ways, giving yourself the same kinds of compassion and kindness and grace and patience that you give all the other people in your lives.

Because that's, how you develop a sense of love for yourself, you treat yourself in a loving way. ( Emma ), Yeah yeah, and if you know, I think a lot of people don't know how to go from & quot. A & quot to a to & quot C & quot there, like.

How do I go to being mean to myself to being nice to myself? What would you tell someone like how do they practice that? What resources would you recommend that they look at (, Carly )? I really like using what I call the best friend technique and that's, where, if I find myself being critical or if my clients find themselves being really critical, we talk about.

Okay & # 39. What would your best friend say to you'or & # 39? If your best friend came to you with this exact same problem, what would you say to them & # 39, and so that shifts the energy just a little bit away, so it's like okay & # 39? Well, I forgot to do this thing and I'm, like I'm, such an idiot'and it's like okay, but if my best friend came to me and said & # 39, I forgot to Do this thing & # 39, you'd, be like & # 39! Well that's; okay, sometimes like you forget stuff, and what can you do so that you don't? Forget it next time'and it's, just like this loving, compassionate exchange and so using that, and I encourage my clients all the time write it down.

Write down like this is what I would normally say to myself. This is what I would say to my best friend and then just go over that and see how that feels different when it's. This is the mean voice, and this is my best friend's, voice in my head or the the voice that I would use for my own best friend, and that makes a huge difference in the way that you feel about the situation.

( Emma ) Yeah, like if people just try that, like just experiment with that for a few days, I noticed like that, like the contrast between how they regularly without noticing it talk to themselves and how they would talk to a friend it's great.

That's such a like practical, hands-on tool., So that's, awesome., Okay, well cool! So, if I were just to summarize, you tell me if I & # 39. Ve got this right so recognizing that you're, a people pleaser right like right, like recognizing that you avoid confrontation, just trying to always be nice or always like make people like you or never have any conflict, and then recognizing like this has some Benefits in the short term, but in the long run it makes you anxious, exhausted resentful um and like disconnected from people.

( Carly ) For sure. ( Emma ) And then try to like dive into that deep belief that, like & # 39, oh things could be Better things could have, I could be more real, I could have more compassion. I could have a better relationship with people if I go through some discomfort, first.

(, Carly, ), Yes, and I think that's vital is giving yourself permission to take the the hard road that's, going to end up with some Good benefits because my bias is that both roads are hard staying a people.

Pleaser is hard and painful, and overcoming people pleasing can be hard and painful. But for me it's totally worth the work because you come out on the other side. Finally, free and you have more peace of mind and you have these real connections with other people and so that's, the kind of hard that you know I choose that's, the kind of hard that I encourage my clients to Choose because I see the amazing benefits from it.

( Emma ) Yeah like choose your hard right. People pleasing is hard, but real relationships are hard.. Choose your hard right: (, Carly, ), Yeah, totally., (, Emma ) and then practice. Some self-compassion right speak to yourself.

( Carly ); Yes, always self-compassion. ( Emma ) Cool, that is such a like handy neat little package. So thank you so much for taking some time today to share that with us. I really appreciate it. (, Carly ).

Of course I'm. So happy to be here. ( Emma ) Cool thanks, Carly. hello, everyone. Today i have a very special guest, dr carly lebaron, and she is a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in helping well all types of clients but specializes in helping people who experience perfectionism and people pleasing [, Music ].

Thank you so much for joining me today. I'm, so happy to be here thanks for having me yeah, i'm, really excited to uh, learn from you and to share like from your enormous depths of knowledge, about people pleasing today.

So that's, what we're going to talk about is people pleasing one of my favorite topics, yes, good good and to everyone. If you liked this content, carly has been working on this incredible course. It's called overcoming perfectionism and people pleasing shattering the porcelain and becoming the real you now carly.

What are some of the things that people can expect to learn in this course i mean everything that we have talked about today is going to be in the course, and then we're going to layer on top of it, people who struggle with Perfectionism too, because i often find that perfectionism and people pleasing are sisters, and so i'm, going to see that a lot in the people that i treat and so helping them recognize perfectionistic patterns and how to change those and just learning to get Away from those old patterns and become more authentic in themselves and in their relationships - and i'm - a real big fan of like specific skills and specific techniques to use, because if i don & # 39, t give my clients something to go home.

To practice they feel really lost, and so i do a lot of that in the course where it's here's, something that you can do this week here's, something i want you to pay attention to here.'s, a worksheet that i want you to fill out because it's in those moments where you're actually experiencing that change and and thinking about it and working on it that you have real long-term change yeah.

I love that about your course. So this course has over four hours of video and then it's got a workbook full of practical exercises. You can work on it's, got a quiz to figure out like what type of people pleaser you are and it walks you through like letting go of your mask and becoming more real, more authentic.

So i mean this course is really action-packed and if you guys want to learn more about it, the link is in the description um, and so you can go check it out. Yeah so um - and i feel like this topic - is really helpful right now, because the holidays are coming.

Yes, some like slightly more um, complicated family dynamics - maybe yes always and um it's, maybe even a little. It may be less complicated for some people because of covet and maybe more complicated for us, that's.

What i was thinking i was like well, if you're kind of staying away from each other for the holidays. This might be a nice little reprieve so that you can practice for next year. Hopefully, when things are a little bit more normal [, Music, ] yeah yeah like we could just like step back and like think ourselves out a little bit huh - and i you know - i speak this from like my own personal experience like i'm Constantly trying to figure out like how do i work with my family for real yeah, like how do you very gently, take care of all of that boundary setting and like making sure that you're? Getting your needs met without alienating people, especially if they're, not used to being that way or if they & # 39.

Re not used to you being that way. It's, a really tough transition, yeah yeah, yeah and just relationships. They're. Just i don't know they're, complicated and always yeah pretty much so well, let's. Talk about people pleasing! How do you know? How do you know if you have a people pleasing problem? How do you know if you're, like a people pleaser that's, a really good question? I have some people that, especially in like the culture that i work in here in utah there's, a lot of kind of like that expectation that you're, always supposed to be like really happy and like doing service for everybody And never feeling resentful and it's very much like stay upbeat like positive vibes.

Only and so people think that that's kind of the norm, like i'm supposed to be this way, and if i'm, not that way that i'm selfish, and so i have to work With a lot of my clients at first to kind of convince them that they're people pleasers, because for a lot of them, this is something they've been doing their entire lives, and so it's.

Just so normal to them, but we always start with talking about okay like, but how does trying to do all of these things for everybody else get in the way of like you taking care of you? Are you like breaking promises to other people to at the drop of the hat, make somebody else happy? Do you feel like you're bending over backwards? Are you developing resentment in your relationships, because that's, a really big sign that you're, like stuck in some people, pleasing patterns yeah, a lot of like oh, my gosh, like most of my clients, will come in and tell me I feel so overwhelmed by the amount of things that i have on my plate.

I'm just so tired all the time i'm, so stressed all the time i'm, so exhausted all the time and it's because they're trying to do too much and They're, trying to do too much for too many people. They're, trying to be everything for everyone, and it just becomes so exhausting, and a lot of that stems from like, i feel like.

I have to be something right. I have to be doing all of these things to make people happy for them to like me or love me so another one of those signs is, if you feel like people are only going to love you, if you do things for them, if you act in A certain way or agree to everything that they say if you feel like you have to change, who you are to get acceptance like like love, is conditional upon me performing in the perfect way and exactly i'm, not going to be loved, which I mean really, it leaves people feeling really insecure if you yeah, if you have that people-pleasing mindset yeah and it keeps you on a tightrope, i think that's.

The imagery that i find the most with people who struggle with people pleasing is that everything that i do has to be so finely calibrated and so finely tuned that, if i make somebody happy like the relationship is done or unhappy, that was totally backwards.

If i make something right happy, you know what you were saying if i say no, if i say no, then like that's, the destruction of a relationship, and so it's. Just this constant rigidity, i always think about it like when you like, strum, a guitar string like it's, so tightly strung that it just vibrates, and i think that's.

The emotional feeling that a lot of my people pleasers have is that there's, just this constant, anxious vibration of worry that if i'm, not on point all the time i'm, i'm done. I'm done yeah. Are there different types of people pleasers? Are there different, like you know totally so i started noticing that i had different almost like manifestations of people, pleasers that were coming into my office at work, and i had the first group of people.

Pleasers is what i call the pepe people pleaser, because they're like really happy and excited. Oh, no, it's no trouble and i'm. I'm, so happy to do this thing, even if they're, not necessarily super happy to be doing that thing yeah, so it pro like presents us, really excited and so happy to do this, and then i have what i call The pouty people, please stairs, which is more like it's very, like resentful, like i'm, still going to do everything that i feel like other people want me to do, but i'm, not going to be happy About it, i'd, be like okay yeah, i'll, do the thing, but then behind the scenes i'm, like grumpy or old men like razzle frozen.

You know just a lot of muttering in the background. Yeah. A hundred percent, and then i have kind of the people that are in between that. I call the perplexed people pleasers and that's, where you kind of like vacillate back and forth between being really happy to help and being really resentful that you're being asked over and over and over to do these things or Bending over backwards, when i think about people pleasing as and it isn't, it's, not sustainable.

It just wears you down, but there's, a reason there's, a reason people do it right. Oh for sure, like some benefits in the short term right totally for sure - and i think one of the biggest things there is that it it's, a protective mechanism and that's, not something we really think about.

When we're people pleasing, we think we're like really utopian, and we're doing it because it's. Good and right - and you know we're, putting good things into the world and we might be, but in reality it really comes down to.

I'm, worried that who i am at the core of myself. Isn't going to be good enough, and so i have to try to meet other people's. Expectations of me for them to like me to avoid rejection to just feel good about who i am and the relationships that i have with other people.

So what what it comes down to you're saying is like people. Pleasing is really about a deep core fear of just not being good enough and 100 icing on top of that. That's like. But if i look nice yes, then i don't have to think about it.

Yeah and that's, why? I use the the analogy of a mask that you're, the real you underneath, whatever face that you put on, but people pleasing as a face that gives you like enough of a a separation between who you are in reality and the interactions that You're, having with other people that you feel a little bit safer, operating under that people-pleasing version than under the real, authentic vulnerable version.

That might sometimes want to say no or disagree, and that feels uncomfortable. If you don & # 39, t have a lot of experience with it. Yeah yeah so like switching from people pleasing to something else, is gonna, be a little bit more uncomfortable in the short term, but maybe more sustainable.

In the long run you & # 39, ll have exactly yeah more authentic relationships. Right, yes, and there's. So many benefits to that. So many benefits to shifting, over from a people-pleasing perspective, to doing something that feels more authentic because you're, not going to wear yourself out yeah that that makes a lot of sense.

It still still can be um kind of hard to do. Oh, my gosh. It's so hard. I've, been trying to do this myself for like a solid 10 years, and there's still times. Where i'm, like okay carly, you have to pull it back a little bit because that's, not the real you like just check in do some self-soothing and speak authentically from your experience, because it feels so safe there.

You know. So it feels so safe hiding behind the mask, because i don't have to risk if somebody disapproves of me or rejects me that it's. The real me that they're, rejecting that it's. Just that nice little mask that i've, put up yeah yeah.

It feels safer right yeah, it does so okay. So how can people pleasing be damaging to your self-esteem or to your relationships? The first thing that i think of with that is with self-esteem: it's, a it's, an evaluation of yourself, but sometimes it's, not a really good evaluation of yourself and with people pleasers you'Re, never really yourself right! You're, who you think everybody else wants you to be, and so you can't really develop a healthy like foundational sense of self-esteem.

If you don & # 39, t really know who you are. If you & # 39, re constantly changing to be something else or to be someone else or saying things that you might not really believe, or that don't resonate for you.

It's really hard, even at a level where you do know those things about yourself. But you're, almost betraying yourself by being inauthentic and agreeing when you don't, agree or keeping silent when you want to speak up, and so it's really damaging to your self-esteem long-term, because you'Re, like i said you're, betraying yourself or you're, not being authentic to yourself, and so it it just feels like okay.

Well, i want to be this way, but i'm. Not that way, and so that's, there's, something bad about me. Yeah yeah! So, on one level, like you're, saying like people, aren't even sure who they are because they're, just putting so much effort, pleasing other people and then totally on the other level.

They maybe fear that, because they're not being authentic, maybe they fear that if people really knew who, i really was they wouldn't like me exactly it's so scary to face.


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